It’s definitely not incompetency.

Okay. So, I’ve spent an unhealthy portion of the day sitting in front of the television watching the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics (12 hours, to be exact). As time progressively passes by, I can’t help but feel more and more incompetent. As a person my age breaks world records and totally kicks ass at figure skating, I’m just sitting on my ass watching… And it starts to make me reevaluate myself and what I’m good at.

I’m not gonna say, “Well, shit. This is why I never get invested in watching the games.” Because I think it’s great watching sportsmen and women get recognition for being good at what they do. However, in doing that, it makes me think about what I could’ve achieved if I had really stuck to the sports I loved as a kid… Then I remember, my parents are Asian… And whilst they do appreciate sports and stuff, they would prefer me in a low risk, high reward environment… Like being a doctor or something.

I think the two reasons I think it’d be awesome to be a sportsperson is because 1. You get recognition for doing what you do best and 2. These days it’s extremely hard to be widely recognised for being good at what you do.

In no way, shape or form am I saying that we need recognition for being good at what we do, but it gives us reassurance that we aren’t just another leaf on a tree… Or another fish in the corporate sea etcetera, etcetera. And that would be nice. It’s kind of like the ultimate, “You are brilliant. Keep doing what you’re doing.” Or a massive, “we’re proud of you!” From the world.

Well, I know that I’m glamourising this whole situation, because people do cop a lot of shit whether they’re good at what they do or not. They give up so much to master their abilities, such as their childhood, the chance of having a legitimate friendship or even a normal upbringing. Then they might never even get that recognition they seek because they simply aren’t ‘good enough’ as a result of a number or simply because they’ll never feel content with their abilities… Which sucks because this thing they do is their life, and once it’s over they might have nothing. But, it’s just that I see these sportspeople do what they do, and it makes me smile in awe… And it would be the best feeling ever knowing that you are the reason people are smiling in awe.

I think another reason jealousy oozes from my pores is because these people have ultimately found their calling. They’ve found that one thing they kick ass at, and they continue to kick ass at it. For me, I have several things I’m competent at, nothing I’ve mastered… But definitely a bunch of things I enjoy and am pretty alright at… Like dancing, writing… Rambling, movie marathons etc.

So, shouldn’t the summation of these bunch of things make up for it? I wish. I want to be legitimately good at something and know that I’m good at it… Not that I’m just okay at it. Maybe it’s… No, it’s definitely the perfectionist within me. I need to know what I’m good at, but the complicated thing is, apparently my self-evaluation isn’t quite enough. Which is really stupid of me. I’m never going to know what I’m good at if I need to depend on other people to reassure me.

Another thing is the immediacy part. These people have found their calling. I’m obviously still looking… Forever looking. I know that these sportspeople might have these feelings of never feeling good enough until they get first place, and even then it’s not definite. I don’t need that. I just need one person… Well, one prominent person in my life to tell me that my shit’s brilliant (not literally, because that’s disgusting, and frankly, a little messed up).

It might be a self confidence problem, it might be a life reassurance thing, but it’s most definitely partially to do with my inner perfectionist… But, I’m still awaiting the day I wake up, happy with everything I’ve accomplished in life. From what I understand of myself so far, that day will come when I don’t need the reassurance of others. I need to completely comprehend that being happy at what I do is always enough.